One of the most beautiful and COMPLETELY terrifying moments in my life... was seeing a positive pregnancy test. Just being completely real and honest with you, I secretly wished that was something I could magically make disappear. I wasn't ready. It was such a surreal moment, and boy did I cry; literally almost every second. I hadn't 'done the do' in over a month, but little did I know I'd reap the benefits of holding on to a dead situation for temporary comfort. The shit I get myself into.
Getting more in depth..
To know me personally, I love my solitude. Yet to constantly be alone is painfully as equal sometimes when I'm recovering from being flooded with actively pursuing dreams [which are like a thousand things], college and being a Super Woman in the people's lives around me. I was in a situation I knew wasn't the absolute best for me, just to not be by myself when I needed someone. And granted he was a good friend, but I knew the boundaries should've stayed where they naturally laid for me. But that's beside the point.
At the time I was interning for The Soul Asylum Studios in Atlanta and impressing my mentor so much, I moved up to being employed as female head engineer within a month! Then something changed.. I changed.. I had already transitioned into a full vegan for over a year but I started to not feel like myself. I always took pride in not having to be told things twice and being so adequately detailed, but I noticed I started (excuse my French) fucking up. Consistently! Granted I was there from 4am-10am 7 days a week, but I never had health problems before. So after venting about my 'symptoms' I had no idea were such at the time, I thought it was mad crazy to be suggested to take a pregnacy test. Like out of all things, that?
So of course I took the test - 2 to be exact - and they were indeed positive. After working so hard on being in that current position from the trials I had just, and still were going through, I had to resign. The pain, embarrassment, and disappointment I felt within myself surpassed any and all the opinions and negative reactions I received from others, especially my mom who was the worst of them all. I never thought I'd see myself achieve that much to be set 20 steps back.
I was 20 years old, unstable, and forced to drop out of school earlier on at the start of my last year, I didn't know what to do.
But as we can see now, I kept my super awesome and intelligent son, Prynceton, who is a constant, motivating reminder that I had to trust in my lesson to know that I have bigger and better things to continue to work towards and become. I'll save the rest of my experience from my once seen horror story for another time, but 6 months later from his birth, here's where I am so far and how I got here:
I say this with pride and sadness, but I got here solely, not completely, on my own.
* I became my biggest fan, love, and supporter first and foremost. I couldn't have people believe in a vision I was too afraid to bring to life myself.
* I learned to be patient with myself and my situation with everyone around me constantly improving and progressing. Social media fringing is good for deepening your depression, so I channeled that energy into inspiration. {It's not always easy.}
* Since my mind is constantly full of overwhelming ideas, I took time out to differentiate between short and long term, what tied into to each other, and ideally when and how to advance to the next step or goal.
* I changed my way of thinking. If I really wanted it/something, I knew I just had to find a way to get it no matter how long or what it took.
As far as my son, the first 3 months were me basically adjusting to him and becoming a new mom. Loving him and myself just as much for my overall wellbeing. I learned (tried) to control my emotions when it came to me realizing I no longer had freedom to leisurely work on and advance myself in my career paths as I'd like to. Living IN THE MOMENT became key.
I didnt want to jeopardize or deprive him of his needs in me by being a selfish workaholic mom, so I BALANCED.
At least I thought till I found myself burnt out from sleepless nights doing anything I could while he was sleep or breastfeeding to make sure I never gave up on my life calling. I usually chose my passion over food, showers and cleaning during his napping intervals. I had to constantly force the smell of success and progression over my bodily funk :) lol. I wasn't that bad.
*I learned that if I don't take care of myself first, I won't have the chance to help others how I'd like to. Can't keep going when you have nothing left to give.
*Again, I changed my thought process. My son is a clingy, loving baby now, but soon he'll be an independent bigger kid so its best I not stress and embrace these moments.
*I am in no competition because no one is me. Everyone is different so I have faith that my uniqueness and circumstances will get me where I need to be, when I NEED to be there as long as I'm not half-assing my effort.
The image in my head is clearly bullshit so deal with things as you go and make due with what you have.
I have a laptop, 3 years of college education and notes in Audio Production haven taken cinematography, design, and psychology classes. Countless experience and numerous jobs and internships in just about everything I love and want to do. I tapped into my subconscious and stopped limiting myself. I didn't have to be in an expensive studio to record nice songs or have a strong team behind me off the strength of great ideas. I had to prove to myself I could do it, that I wanted to do it and that if money were of no object in the world, I'd still be happy doing it.
I had to stop, breathe, and just do as I thought with minimal hesitation or overthinking. So far, I've finally got my website to come together after 4 years, a formula down pact for my music, self photo-shoots and so much more. I'm one wo{man} strong only for now. As long as you're focused and working hard, you rarely go unnoticed..
Love always, till next time,
Jai Reign
